@nonsensetwit My fear of spiders happened when I went to hit one with a newspaper, and it looked at me and did pushups saying “try again bro.”
@ManJuggs Just overheard the gentleman in the next stall whisper “get out of me” and then start to cry. God I hate the Olive Garden.
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@nonsensetwit 
@3sunzzz Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
@thejamietighe *rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
@Judgment I feel this tweet
@Ahhmandah it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
@T_Bonezzz_ Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
@cbme69 [Leaving ballgame]
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: Yes, but I assure you officer I can’t afford to get drunk there.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
@mimicz Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
@jewfacekilla “Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost