Just overheard the gentleman in the next stall whisper “get out of me” and then start to cry. God I hate the Olive Garden.

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JON: What should I do with these extra mustard packs?
MARY: Just stuff ’em in the Lazy Susan.
SUSAN: Hey, I’m right here! (*remains seated*)


My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.


Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets


“Cellphones only work when you talk into them like you’re trying to be heard over a buzzsaw screwing a freight train.”

– My Dad


I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?


You may have the last laugh now, but we’ll continue this discussion later when Im alone in my car pretending to be a stupider version of you


Just ran outside in a t shirt & panties to save a bird from my cat’s mouth. My kid thinks I’m a hero. My neighbor wants to have drinks later


If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.


I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.