@rolldiggity: New Parent Idea: 1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest. 2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's 10.

@onion_an: Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop Son: Why [nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower] Me: He's a racist

@AverageCorners: Me: Okay, bed time. Brain: I'm with you, man. I'm tired. Nose: GUYS I LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE "PATIENCE" BY GUNS N' ROSES!

@jergarl: After 10 years of marriage I've composed a check list of good reasons to get married. 1) Your family is being held hostage. 2) 3)

@1followernodad: ok here's the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said "Actually I need 250" because that's free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.