Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
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The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.