Just overheard the gentleman in the next stall whisper “get out of me” and then start to cry. God I hate the Olive Garden.

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Producer: Any ideas?
Bruce Willis: There are 4 elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Great! What else?
Bruce: You know there are five senses…
Half an hour later
Bruce: So what if there TWELVE monkeys?


My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.


My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.


ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now


Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days

Hubs: What?! Why?

Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon


me: *responds maybe to a fb event*

wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY


BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*


If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.


Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]


me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”