Just overheard the gentleman in the next stall whisper “get out of me” and then start to cry. God I hate the Olive Garden.

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My fear of spiders happened when I went to hit one with a newspaper, and it looked at me and did pushups saying “try again bro.”


Who is that walking up my driveway?!

Anxiety in 3…2…1…

[knock, knock]


“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”


*rides in on giant turtle*

Me:Sorry I’m late.

Boss:You rode that to work?

Me:No, went to the zoo.

*phone rings*

Me:That’ll be the zoo.


it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day


Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

The rest of the human race


[Leaving ballgame]
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: Yes, but I assure you officer I can’t afford to get drunk there.


Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.


Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…