Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

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*puts on shirt*

*shirt rips because of my muscles*

*gets yelled at for ruining 5yo’s shirt*


Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.

Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.

Me: My truck.


Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad

Drive-thru: Dressing?

Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car


me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third


Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside


Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones


Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night


“A mind is a terrible thing to waste.”

A zombie trying to convince his son to finish his dinner.


It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.


Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.