@Manda_like_wine

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

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@TheMichaelRock

*puts on shirt*

*shirt rips because of my muscles*

*gets yelled at for ruining 5yo’s shirt*

@iLikeCatShirts

Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.

Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.

Me: My truck.

@squirrel74wkgn

Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad

Drive-thru: Dressing?

Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car

@MarfSalvador

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

@dumbbeezie

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

@flouncingqueen

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

@robin_991

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

@JawnQSack

“A mind is a terrible thing to waste.”

A zombie trying to convince his son to finish his dinner.

@ashmensch

It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.

@stevevsninjas

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.