It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
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Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.