Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
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Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall