Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Just picked up an unknown call with a “Hello?” An old woman said “Joan?” So, I can cross “mistaken for a Joan” off the bucket list.
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At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I contend that for the last 25 years, language has been softened for easier consumption by the masses.
Me: *deletes Tweet*
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
“Everyone has at least one novel inside them”
– Baffled airport security rectal examiner at the end of a long, confusing shift