@CheryeDavis
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
@thesulk
Just picked up an unknown call with a “Hello?” An old woman said “Joan?” So, I can cross “mistaken for a Joan” off the bucket list.
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@CheryeDavis
@junejuly12
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
@JulieSnark
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
@weinerdog4life
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
@TampaBayMomma
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
@Contwixt
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
@lukasbattle
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
@D_Ciphered
I contend that for the last 25 years, language has been softened for easier consumption by the masses.
Murder Hornets:
Me: *deletes Tweet*
@SortaBad
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
@ItsAndyRyan
“Everyone has at least one novel inside them”
– Baffled airport security rectal examiner at the end of a long, confusing shift