I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
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I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Unimpressed
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?