Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
You Might Also Like
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
*pronounces patio like ratio
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?