I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
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Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Bank Robber: EVERYONE STAY STILL & RAISE YOUR HANDS
Me: How can we ‘stay still’ & also raise our hands?
Other Bank Robber: He’s right Colin
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I like to wipe real slow now I know the real value of toilet paper
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Brands during Pride
I had some food stuck in my teeth and now I’m an international beatboxing champion.
There is a new app. that tells you how smarter your dog is.
Here’s how it works :-
If you bought the app. your dog is smarter than you.