@LifeUnPinterest

Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.

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@highwayhooligan

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

@TheKenyan_

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

@brynnester

Bank Robber: EVERYONE STAY STILL & RAISE YOUR HANDS
Me: How can we ‘stay still’ & also raise our hands?
Other Bank Robber: He’s right Colin

@djdarrellripley

Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!

Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…

@ShutUpThatsWho

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

@sofarrsogud

ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!

HER: No, spelunking is a thing

ME: Ha ha, absototesly.

@BritXNic

I had some food stuck in my teeth and now I’m an international beatboxing champion.

@iGreenMonk

There is a new app. that tells you how smarter your dog is.

Here’s how it works :-

If you bought the app. your dog is smarter than you.