@LifeUnPinterest

Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.

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@tiemoose

[undercover as a mom]

Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now

Other moms: *narrow eyes*

Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months

@MAngelo505

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.

@stephenjmolloy

Job interviewer: What are your strengths?

Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?

JI: Yes.

Me: I’m very perceptive.

@Renie_Rivas

My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.

@LittleMissAngr1

Excited to announce that I am running for city council! Oops, typo. I am running from city council!

@DirtyySouthMess

Me: Pretty sure my life just flashed before my eyes.

Trainer: You only did a single push-up.

Me: Call my mother and tell her I love her.

@Lisa_Laughs_

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

@shawnspree

To catch a woman, one must think like a woman.

*places glass of wine, and Channing Tatum dvd on mouse trap

@OctopusCaveman

If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.