Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
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[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
Me: I’m very perceptive.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Excited to announce that I am running for city council! Oops, typo. I am running from city council!
Me: Pretty sure my life just flashed before my eyes.
Trainer: You only did a single push-up.
Me: Call my mother and tell her I love her.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
To catch a woman, one must think like a woman.
*places glass of wine, and Channing Tatum dvd on mouse trap
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.