Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
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I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Was it something I said?
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”