Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
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Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
San Francisco has too many rules
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.