Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
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old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works