my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
You Might Also Like
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
😲 WTF? 😆
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.