Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
You Might Also Like
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Oh my god
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me