Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
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Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
u spoke cat all this time??????
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.