Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
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Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel