It’s the weekend y’all
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me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Ha
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber