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Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
[montage of me giving-up]
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Anyone want a chair?
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”