Just ran over my neighbors cat. In fairness, though, the damn thing probably thought he was safe when he made it to the porch.

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“You take pills because you’re crazy”

“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”


My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!


Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.


No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.


While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!


How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.


Grabbing the hands of my elevator companions and explaining that I have a fear of flying.