@bfrosty04

Just ran over my neighbors cat. In fairness, though, the damn thing probably thought he was safe when he made it to the porch.

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@NolaChef504

“You take pills because you’re crazy”

“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”

@StillRadNotaFad

My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!

@theNuzzy

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

@robfee

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

@sarah_edo

While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!

@hansabumsadaisy

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

@LittleMissAngr1

Grabbing the hands of my elevator companions and explaining that I have a fear of flying.