Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
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Me: *grins* Couldn鈥檛 help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I鈥檓 a cashier at a grocery store. That鈥檚 my job.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don鈥檛 hire Cheryl
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Before & after 馃槄
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.