@TheCatWhisprer

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

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@jeannerbeaner

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

@MyNameIsArchaic

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

@Mostly_Cheese

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

@ArfMeasures

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

@Tmoney68

A lot of things can be preserved in alcohol. My dignity is not one of them.

@Bob_Janke

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators

@Staggfilms

A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.

@envydatropic

It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.