Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
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Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
I’m going to need a moment here.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.