Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

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Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“


Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.


Apparently, using a french fry and an onion ring to simulate how I wanted the rest of the evening to go wasn’t the most romantic move ever.


Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?

Kids: Cars

Me: And…

Kids: Wine moms


When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.

If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!


Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.


Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.


I find that making meetings take less than 15 minutes and making sex last longer than 15 minutes elicit very similar responses