My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
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Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
A lot of things can be preserved in alcohol. My dignity is not one of them.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
According to MyFitnessPal, I have been dead for 6 weeks.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell