@50FirstTates

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

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@ehdannyboy

“I’m leaving you”

“why?”

“Your jokes are old and tiresome”

“but, I can updog”

“What’s updog?”

“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”

*slams door*

@Huntermoore

Everyone knows if you see a white guy with dreads you punch them in the face

@MsSkaarsgard

Wives all up in arms about their husband’s leaving or cheating and I’m all, hush now sweetie, SEE THE GIFT YOU’RE BEING GIVEN.

@seamusmckracken

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.

@david8hughes

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

@mommajessiec

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.