[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
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It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
bias laundering edition
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.