just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

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“I’m leaving you”


“Your jokes are old and tiresome”

“but, I can updog”

“What’s updog?”


*slams door*


Everyone knows if you see a white guy with dreads you punch them in the face


Wives all up in arms about their husband’s leaving or cheating and I’m all, hush now sweetie, SEE THE GIFT YOU’RE BEING GIVEN.


I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.


When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.


Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel


Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.