Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
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JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Basically.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house