In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
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7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
A roof is a house hat.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.