@AdamMoad

Just realised someone was flirting with me, 7 years ago.

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@QueenBbecT

If you’re under 130 lbs and call yourself fat I’m sending all my actual fat friends to eat you.

@LilNasX

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

@david8hughes

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

@3sunzzz

My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.

@shkeeber

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

@alexlumaga

Dear Olive Garden,

They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.

@urmumsausername

3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!

Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.

3 y/o: what?

Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.

@Insomnia_Land

Me: *throws myself at my husband* Give me all the kisses!

Him: Oh God! Are.. Are you dying??

@zuza_real

(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…