@AdamMoad
@QueenBbecT
If you’re under 130 lbs and call yourself fat I’m sending all my actual fat friends to eat you.
You Might Also Like
@QueenBbecT
@Heart_LessGirI
Same.
@LilNasX
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
@david8hughes
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
@3sunzzz
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
@shkeeber
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
@alexlumaga
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
@urmumsausername
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
@Insomnia_Land
Me: *throws myself at my husband* Give me all the kisses!
Him: Oh God! Are.. Are you dying??
@zuza_real
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…