Just realised someone was flirting with me, 7 years ago.

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If you’re under 130 lbs and call yourself fat I’m sending all my actual fat friends to eat you.


wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english


So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.


My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.


Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.


Dear Olive Garden,

They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.



Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.

3 y/o: what?

Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.


Me: *throws myself at my husband* Give me all the kisses!

Him: Oh God! Are.. Are you dying??


(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…