@AdamMoad

Just realised someone was flirting with me, 7 years ago.

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@Quartzjixler

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

@ambamthankyamam

My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.

@Malocallidus

someone asked : are you coming?

me: No, but I’m breathing fast…

them:

me:

them:

me: I guess I’ll save that one for Twitter

@MissHavisham

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

@DaddyJew

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

@badbanana

I’ll be celebrating my birthday the traditional way, by barging naked into a room full of strangers and crying.

@UnFitz

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

@skullmandible

hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore

@juliussharpe

I used to see people alone at restaurants and feel bad for them. Now I’m with a screaming two year old wondering, “Who is that solo genius?”