Just realized after two years that my boss is actually a grapefruit covered in ramen noodles with peanut eyes. Still very afraid of him.

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Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.

Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes


“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen

“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad


I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.


Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.


Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!

Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?


Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way

Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?


Me: There’s a real fat one on the other team!
Her: “My son’s not fat!”
How you know I was talking about him?
“Cuz he’s the..”
Fat one?


Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.


Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense


Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.


I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!