@CelebrityChez

Just realized after two years that my boss is actually a grapefruit covered in ramen noodles with peanut eyes. Still very afraid of him.

You Might Also Like

@hansabumsadaisy

Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.

Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@UhhhJasonWebb

“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen

“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad

@Stellacopter

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

@torrami

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

@nyquills

Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!

Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?

Gandalf:

Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way

Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?

@AristotlesNZ

Me: There’s a real fat one on the other team!
Her: “My son’s not fat!”
How you know I was talking about him?
“Cuz he’s the..”
Fat one?
“Ya.”

@TheOneTrueDisco

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

@CherBear162

Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense

@timdonakowski

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

@TheAlexNevil

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!