You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
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there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Raisins are grape jerky.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.