Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
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I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.