Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
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Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Cheers Twitter.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.