6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
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Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
My husband asked me if I thought deep down that all of this time together was bringing us closer as a family. And then we laughed and laughed.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style