Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

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6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.


Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job


If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.


airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home


I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”


My husband asked me if I thought deep down that all of this time together was bringing us closer as a family. And then we laughed and laughed.


If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.


Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.