Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
You Might Also Like
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.