Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
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Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
A bold strategy
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting