@that1mum

Just realized that my bf never asked me to be his gf and we never established that we are dating. We just like live together and have a baby together. But we don’t have an anniversary or anything. Omg are we dating? Is it too late to ask what are we? What if we are just friends

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@tastefactory

“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt

@junejuly12

Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.

@namelesstv

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

@Reverend_Scott

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

@northernlivng24

I just tried to pet my cat and it turns out that pile of black was my T-shirt, so yeah if you’re supposed to wear glasses while driving I think it’s a good idea.

@BlotterMonkey

Having kids is like being at a press conference: “No, you can’t put the dog in the washer – next question.” “No, you can’t really fly -next”

@biggarf

I wasn’t good enough for you in high school but suddenly after 5 kids a husband and 3 boyfriends I’m starting to look good eh?

@VerbsRProudest

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.