Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
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if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Stop it! 😂
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.