Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
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My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
😲 WTF? 😆
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.