Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
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The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
I think the cat got the dog high.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
oh shit
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Simple