Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
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Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.