Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
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I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.