@shariv67

Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.

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@cool_pond

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

@spookperson

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

@UncleDuke1969

“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”

– Karen

@JMFnSparks

If I ever have a son, I’m going to name him Sparta, that way I can introduce him as “This is SPARTA!!!”

@theshantilly

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.

@T_Bonezzz_

Me: Waking up in the morning is so difficult
Bacon: Here, lemme help you with that

@Shade510

It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.

@TheAlexNevil

Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.

@jackiembouvier

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!