Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.

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replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground


coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator


“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”

– Karen


If I ever have a son, I’m going to name him Sparta, that way I can introduce him as “This is SPARTA!!!”


I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.


Me: Waking up in the morning is so difficult
Bacon: Here, lemme help you with that


It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.


Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.


Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!