Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
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*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Still writing HBO Max on my checks