@fluffysuse: Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. 'Don't get married' wasn't on there. Or 'murder.' Stupid list.
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@MartaEffing: [1st day in heaven] God: Welcome! Have a taco and a shot of tequila. Do you like music? Me: Yeah. G: How about a little, *giggles* Nirvana?
@LeonardCowalski: Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
@Sassafrantz: Accidentally left my phone at home, now I know how Kevin McCallister's parents felt.
@turtledumplin: 8yo: mommy how old are you? Me: 46 8yo: *blink blink* so you seen a real dinosaur?