Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
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The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.