Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
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I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE