Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
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[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.