Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
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Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.