the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
You Might Also Like
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Do not levitate over flowers
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.