Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
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Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.