ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
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Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
You haven’t built just a wall around you; you’ve constructed a bomb shelter inside a nuclear bunker set into the side of a mountain.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
My favourite gymnastics move is the double cheeseburger.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
My company just gave the janitor the Employee of the Month Award in a big ceremony that he spent hours cleaning up afterwards.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend