@i_Lean

Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.

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@RedRegenerated

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.

@BDGarp

Me: Have fun on your date.

Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?

Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?

@4boding

You haven’t built just a wall around you; you’ve constructed a bomb shelter inside a nuclear bunker set into the side of a mountain.

@KalvinMacleod

NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year

ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe

@DanLaMorte

“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”

@salamingia

My favourite gymnastics move is the double cheeseburger.

@Book_Krazy

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

@clyderun

My company just gave the janitor the Employee of the Month Award in a big ceremony that he spent hours cleaning up afterwards.

@fro_vo

Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend