Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.

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ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.


Me: Have fun on your date.

Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?

Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?


You haven’t built just a wall around you; you’ve constructed a bomb shelter inside a nuclear bunker set into the side of a mountain.


NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year

ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe


“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”


My favourite gymnastics move is the double cheeseburger.


Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what


My company just gave the janitor the Employee of the Month Award in a big ceremony that he spent hours cleaning up afterwards.


Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend