Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
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Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
We’ve come full circle
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”