@mydmac

Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.

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@EJGomez

undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss

@onelongbender

This woman at work sounds just like me. I’m going to pay her to call my Mom and occasionally say mmhmm and how nice.

@SpokeAna

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

@Cpin42

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

@cwilso

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.

@roostermustache

Me: i’ll have a beer

Bartender: ok it’s on the house buddy

Me:*grabbing him by collar* then get it down, i’m not climbing up there again

@CatherineLMK

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.

@LurkAtHomeMom

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

@daemonic3

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer