@mydmac

Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.

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@Contwixt

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

@BlackJerms

Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?

@TheMichaelRock

I have been reporting moms on Facebook who brag about how perfect their lives are as fake news.

@SteveSuckington

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren’t doing anything

M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?

@slimmy_shady

Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!

@DvuslyMarvelous

All my romantic tweets are just stuff the bum outside my building yells at me as I walk into work

@jwoodham

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.

@WilliamRodgers

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

@CarelWillemse

Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”

Me: “oh I see you”

Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”

Me: “yeah floor it”

@lazerdoov

*bursts into starbucks*

Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET

Barista: yeah over there

Me: oh thank god

*plugs in a mechanical bull*