“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
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Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
I have been reporting moms on Facebook who brag about how perfect their lives are as fake news.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
All my romantic tweets are just stuff the bum outside my building yells at me as I walk into work
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*