Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
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Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
This is my favorite one of these!
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]