Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
You Might Also Like
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Have kids, they said
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.