Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

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Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late


*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*


[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”



Casting Director: can you do accents?

Me: *cries Britishly*

CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?

Me: *cries in Japanese*

CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly


Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”


As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left


Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!


last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window


I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.


We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer