@JessicaVarsity

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

You Might Also Like

@fro_vo

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

@SortaBad

*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*

@Reverend_Scott

[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[audition]

Casting Director: can you do accents?

Me: *cries Britishly*

CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?

Me: *cries in Japanese*

CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly

@Travon

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”

@anerdonfire2

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left

@BrassBallsCJ

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

@fuzzlime

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

@TheCatWhisprer

I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.

@Quartzjixler

We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer