Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
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After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
This story is comedy gold 😂
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.