Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
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If you need a laugh.. 😅
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
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Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.