I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
“Mommy does Barbie come with Ken?”
“No sweetie, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken”
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
People who don’t know how to merge onto the highway, there’s a bus pass for that.
I want an app that tells me when someone is thinking about me while having sex with someone else.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I hate when someone texts me cause then I can’t post anything on the internet or they’ll know I’m ignoring them.