Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
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I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Teach your children to beatbox
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!