Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.

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My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.


On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.

Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”

STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”

ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”

SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”

ME: “It bends and everything.”

SM: “I’ve seen better.”


After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)


My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”


A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.


Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night


Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*


doctor: we had to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves


When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.

That’s me in a nutshell.


I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.