@bees_wingz

Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.

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@WittySassBasket

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?

ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

@SuicideBooth1

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

@LoriGallucci

“Mommy does Barbie come with Ken?”

“No sweetie, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken”

@Gupton68

wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me

me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon

w: I despise you

@Jjkinky49Jeff

People who don’t know how to merge onto the highway, there’s a bus pass for that.

@thejodiest

I want an app that tells me when someone is thinking about me while having sex with someone else.

@olerunkbitch

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.

@KentWGraham

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

@Sarcasticsapien

I hate when someone texts me cause then I can’t post anything on the internet or they’ll know I’m ignoring them.