Just reported a car as being stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the rear window are white.
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If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
She changed her mind ..
Hope the new one works !!
Live today like it’s your last.
Pay your bills and wear a condom just in case it isn’t.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
You can’t afford the maintenance to keep me.
Vodka, high heels, steak, shiny clothes, tonic, Victoria’s Secret, and bail money.
“are you following me?”
“no. just scratching my ear”