Just reported a car as being stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the rear window are white.

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My kids and I have this fun game we play now where I tell them to go outside and they think I’m going to let them back in before dinner.


WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic

THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?

ME: No. It should be fewer arguments


Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?


If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.


[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here


The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.


You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.


Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds


I was warned not to steal the kitchen utensils.

But it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.