@DirtMcTurd

Just reported a car as being stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the rear window are white.

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@BoogTweets

[Interrogation]

Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me

*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl

@Drytown1

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.

@nbadag

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

@TheToddWilliams

SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?

SCARECROW:Oh I forgot

SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…

SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it

@LeannaO

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”

@UnicornSyrup

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

@DothTheDoth

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

@DannyDutch

To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.

@briangaar

Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over

@DeanScott01

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every six months about it.