@DirtMcTurd

Just reported a car as being stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the rear window are white.

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@thestinkerbell_

*years from now at my will reading*

Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”

My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??

Attorney: “… my meme collection.”

@mugkip

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

@DudeImShawn

Live today like it’s your last.

Pay your bills and wear a condom just in case it isn’t.

@daemonic3

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

@kimtopher22

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

@MongooseMayhem

Date me?

You can’t afford the maintenance to keep me.

Vodka, high heels, steak, shiny clothes, tonic, Victoria’s Secret, and bail money.

@SlenderSherbet

“are you following me?”

“no. just scratching my ear”

“DUDE”

“I WASN’T”