Just reported a car as being stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the rear window are white.

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Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me

*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl


Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.


HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes


SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?


SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…

SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it


Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”


My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?


Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.


To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.


Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over


Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every six months about it.