My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
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When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out