@DirtMcTurd

Just reported a car stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the window were white

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@sonictyrant

Astronaut: *examining a large knot* Houston please be advised. The moon’s a balloon

Houston: what ! proceed carefully

Me: you think we should p-

Houston: DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT LET HIM POP THE MOON JESUS CHRIST

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.

@smithsara79

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

@AnnietheNanny1

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

@ramenfuneral

somebody sell me a flock of sheep so i can give them cool superhero names like bahman, the green lambtern and wonder woolman

@CulturedRuffian

Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?

@dulcetry

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

@nickcreelman

Some people say they have a hamster on a wheel in their head. I have 4 squirrels fighting over an acorn.