Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

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i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.


me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?


Do the right thing.

Not right away, but like after you get called out.


Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy

Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back

Marty: it’s just bread

Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother

Marty: what?

Doc Brown: what, what?


Ladies…when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.


The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?


Interviewer: So when did you decide you wanted to be a sumo wrestler?
Me: When someone tried to get me onto the dancefloor at a wedding.


Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been


Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.


1 Bitcoin = 19.62 USD. What does it say about your economy when imaginary internet money is worth more than your “Real World Money”?