@abhorrent_wife

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

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@bonesher

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

@Skoogeth

me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?

@Underchilde

Do the right thing.

Not right away, but like after you get called out.

@CrockettForReal

Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy

Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back

Marty: it’s just bread

Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother

Marty: what?

Doc Brown: what, what?

@JonnyStallone

Ladies…when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.

@kelkulus

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

@hrtbps

Interviewer: So when did you decide you wanted to be a sumo wrestler?
Me: When someone tried to get me onto the dancefloor at a wedding.

@TheOnion

Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been

@theDRaGnrebOrN

Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.

@YourAnonNews

1 Bitcoin = 19.62 USD. What does it say about your economy when imaginary internet money is worth more than your “Real World Money”?