Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
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A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower